Mmmm do I love me a potent aesthetic. One that makes you feel all the feels and reminds you that environment and essence do matter.
And yet.
I’ve noticed my desire for things to be so perfectly curated.
To fit the 9-post grid that always seems to lurk in the back of my mind.
Fuck. That’s a problem, isn’t it?
Yup. I know it is.
Here comes a loooooong side tangent….
Buckle up.
I’ve fantasized about ditching social media more than a dozen times over the past couple of days.
I’ve realized that my relationship with this thing that’s supposed to help me connect rarely does its job.
Instead, I find myself more disconnected as I numb out and scroll.
I find myself wanting and wishing things were different.
What if I had more this or less this?
I should do this instead of that.
Maybe if I finally x then y.
I should get off of this thing, I tell myself.
But then an a truly inspirational musing floats across my feed.
A post that stirs something new inside of me reminds me of why I do love hanging out in this space.
And yet…I can’t help but wonder what would life be like without constantly tapping the apps, scrolling the feeds, and living in a not-really-real cyberverse.
“That’s it, I’m getting off this thing,” I declared!
“I’m ready to live and be in the real world,” I proclaimed!
But but but…
I have a Black Friday Sale I’m running and need to share on here.
I have a super secret thing happening in December and how will I do it without social media?
Surely I can’t.
I’m enrolling for my mastermind and my main medium and way to chat with people is Insta…
I have lots of epic life things happening that I want to share and celebrate.
Also…it’s my birthday month! I want to receive the birthday love on my channels—c’mon I’m human, my ego wants some love!
Ok ok ok…
Come January, once that’s all over, I’ll do it.
Really do it.
Woohoo! Look at me. I’m finally taking my life into my own hands.
But as I really tune in and feel into the truth of it all…
There’s a sinking sensation. The emotion is a sludgy mix of disappointed, wistful, and bored.
Because honestly? It feels like a cop out.
If I can’t do it now, because I’m afraid of all these what ifs, isn’t that sign enough that my relationship with this social media thing is addictive and toxic?
Turning it all off makes me want to cry—cry a sigh of relief and excitement to see what living in the real world is like. And cry because omg, this has become my number one coping device.
When I’m going on hours of being with a baby by myself, getting a quick scroll in feels soooooo delectable.
When I can’t find the inspiration I’m seeking, tuning into the feeds of the few people who speak to my soul is mmmm nourishing.
When I’m bored shitless waiting in line, being able to distract myself with a silly TikTok is pure bliss. Entertainment found!
But…what would I do instead?
How would I fill the time and space?
How would I really be with the feelings that are there?
Ugh.
Yum.
So many conflicting emotions are rising up in this decision.
I know what would liberate me and invite me deeper into my truth, power, magic, fulfillment, and joy.
So why am I resisting it?
What is it that I truly fear?
This is what I’m thinking and contemplating in real time.
This isn’t me coming to you and boldly declaring, “GUESS WHAT, I’M DOING A THING!”
This is me in the messy middle. Because I wish more people shared that.
This is me revealing what’s true in the now—even though I’m scared I might not follow through and I’ll stay on social and give into my vices.
And what will that say or mean about me?
Meh. Whatever. I don’t reallly care.
Do I?
Pssst—I’m curious to know…
Back to the original point of this post, which was clearly not the point after all this rambling… or was it?
I’ve decided to take more “real” photos of what’s actually in front of me. What’s really in my world.
Yes, I can enjoy the beautiful and aesthetic shots too, but who said those were the only insta-worthy ones?
And is insta-worthy really the goal?
I think my side tangent above reveals that nope, it really, truly isn’t.
So, yeah, I’ll take the “insta-worthy” ones because they do make me happy.
But I’ll also take the life-worthy ones because those are what truly matter and what I know I will be most grateful to have and reflect on.
Xx Lex
Awww thanks for sharing this Lex. Rather than a just do it approach and cut it out completely, I think I've let it slip away more gently and organically. Today is my birthday btw and I can see some people on social have sent me love and birthday wishes and that's lovely but... Right now I'm off to have a lovely soak after spending a very hectic day with my 2yo and eating some gf cake in front of YouTube for kids with her and hubby.
I come from a culture where you have photo shoots every birthday and look super glamorous and then share that on social media with something along the lines of being grateful and how good God is etc but today is like every other day with something a little extra thrown in and I'm grateful for the moments that I can't buy back.
More please Lex! Your words are so comforting to hear and be witness to. Xxx