Why You Must Choose To Be The Leader of Love
Even (and especially when) you wish your partner would take the lead instead.
One thing you might not know about me is that I’m stubborn as fuck. 😬
This can be a great quality.
Like when I quit my corporate job on a whim and decided I was going to be successful doing my own thing—no matter what. Sure, that lead to a few years of being wildly unprofitable and having people poke fun at me for my “hobby” of posting weirdly personal shit on social media (looks like some things never change). But eventually, it worked out and I now have a business that feels like a hobby but brings home the bacon.
Or when I convinced Jake that having two dogs is SO much easier than one and that Kado would be so lonely and sad without a friend, so we (HE) needed another dog. While the verdict is still out about two being easier than one and it’s painfully obvious that Kado would’ve been very happy with reserving all scratches and attention for him and only him…I got what I wanted so…I got what I wanted?!
Or when I first heard there was such a thing as an analgasm, and I decided that I would have one, no matter what! While some methods weren’t as successful as others, I ultimately got to the bottom of it. #therealpossibilityportal
But this stubborn quality can also be damaging. 😣
Like when my parents told me I couldn’t keep ants for pets but I was set on giving them the best life ever! So I put them in a little jar I covered with saran wrap (I poked tiny holes on top, of course), fed them bread crumbs, and brought their makeshift home into bed with me at night for cuddles…only to have the lucky ones escape and attack me with (well-deserved) bites and the unlucky ones…well…they didn’t make it. Ugh. #RIP.
Or when Jake and I first started playing pickleball and I was determined to be better than him…so I spent 2 hours volleying the ball against the wall of our house only to have it result in bursitis and a frozen shoulder that lasted over a year and severely hindered my path to becoming a pickleball professional.
Or when I declared that it was total bullshit that I was always the one suggesting new ways for our intimacy to deepen and our relationship to evolve. So I decided to hold back and see what would happen if I did nothing at all. Turns out, Jake was content and cheery as a clam about our relationship status. But being the constant edge-seeker and deep-diver that I am, I needed more. In my pursuit to make a point to Jake, I realized I was punishing our relationship—the exact opposite of what I actually wanted.
I know I’m not the only stubborn, Spicy Mama out there.
It’s a well-known fact that stubbornness is encoded in our DNA—We can’t help it! 😜
And while we have every right to have our deepest, wildest desires honored ❤️🔥 and be tenacious in our pursuit of them, we’re doing ourselves no favors by expecting our partners to be the ones who are going to lead the way—at least initially.
If we want the mind-blowing, soul-dripping, p*$$y-tingling intimacy with our partner that we crave, we CAN have it.
And not just in our dirty dreams or our naughty novels (ok, maybe it’s a longshot that our lover will turn into a Fae royal with obsidian feathered wings that glisten in the light of the moon as they edge us into oblivion with their mind magic alone, but #helloroleplayideas). 😈
Now here’s the knicker kicker—in order to get what we want at the deepest soul level, we have to park our righteous Rolls-Royce egos at the door and claim our rightful spot on the throne as Leader of Love. 👑
BUT HOLY FUDGECAKES, can that be a hard pill to swallow 💊 🥴
Yes, yes, I’m hearing your gagging noises now at the mere suggestion.
But humor me and open up wide and surrender for a sec, k?
Because despite Jake being the most incredible man I know and having so much love for each other, I don’t think we would be happily and pleasurably married if I didn’t make a conscious choice to be the Leader of Love.
For better or worse, our ideals of marriage and partnership were initially verrrry different. And if I didn’t take the lead I’d either be a dry, resentful harpy clawing my way through our marriage til death do us part, or I’d be outtie ✌🏻😳
So yeah, this is something I’m pretty passionate about because I know what it’s like to be all, “WTF, can’t they just figure it out and I sit back and relax here, for once?!” (Which I’m pleased to tell you that there are now more and more moments of surprise and delight that Jake initiates than I could’ve ever wet-dreamed possible).
As I’ve said, at the beginning of our relationship (10+ years ago) Jake was truly content with things being “really good.”
But I wanted EXCELLENCE and EDGINESS.
I let him know very early on in our relationship that I’m the type of person who loves learning, growing, and adventuring and that if he really wanted to go all in with me he had to be all in on the wild, weird, and wonderful ride of exploring love, intimacy, and sex with me.
While he said hell yes to the ride, he most definitely didn’t say yes to being the driver.
And as someone who was immersed in the personal development space for a living, it was my playground, not his.
Sure, he could’ve been resourceful and found books for us to read together, programs for us to be a part of, and experiences for us to attend, but that was so far outside of his repertoire.
While it was my ultimate dream for him to take initiative and lead the way, it was kinda unfair to demand that he be the all-knowing guide when he had never set foot in the foreign terrain I wanted to journey through.
Ultimately, I was the one with the desire to explore the new lands. I was the one who had the knowledge of where True North was and where I wanted to adventure. And I was the one with the resources and maps at my fingertips that could help us get there.
So it only made sense for me to lead the way in the arena of love and relationships.
Throughout the years, Jake has taken more and more interest and initiative around leading.
But in order to get what I really wanted from our relationship and intimacy, I had to drop the story of righteousness and release resentment for being the one to lead.
I had to take radical responsibility for getting my needs met.
Oftentimes that meant being the one to go first and doing things on my own. But in the pursuit of my pleasure, I transformed. How I showed up in our relationship shifted. The way Jake responded to me and interacted with me evolved.
And guess what? The more curious and interested he became. I mean yeah, I’d be curious too if I asked, “How was your day?” And the response I got was, “It was good. Hey, I was thinking about joining a Domme Mastery program, what do you think about that?” 😏
All this to say, I’ve had to prioritize my desires and love myself and our relationship time and time again in order to transcend pettiness and scorekeeping.
Am I perfect with this?
Oh hell no.
Even a couple of weeks ago I noticed myself internally whining about the fact that the conversations Jake and I were having on our morning walks were very logistic-heavy and not as intellectually stimulating as I wanted them to be. I made some little hints here and there about it, but never made a direct request or revealed a deep desire.
What did I do instead? I waited.
I waited to see if he would bring up new and juicy conversation or not.
He didn’t (for the most part).
I realized that I was repeating the pattern of testing Jake to see if he would “pass” only to have him “fail” and I fail alongside him because I wasn’t getting my needs met.
My mentor reflected that this was yet another opportunity to lead.
She shared something along the lines of, “If you’re more gifted at something or life has taught you something, that’s the way it is right now and you can lead with and give that gift.”
Of course, Jake has many gifts of his own to share with me and our relationship, but it’s evident that some of my gifts are:
Intuiting what’s needed inside of our relationship and embodying The Oracle who can envision our highest potential and illuminate the possible pathways to get there.
Recognizing areas and opportunities to submerge below the surface and deepen into the juicy core.
Infusing moments with even more playfulness, eros, and pleasure.
And I was withholding them out of spite.
When we choose to step up as the Leader of Love, everyone wins.
Here are some questions to consider and journal around…
How can you take personal responsibility for what you desire?
Can you be willing to have it all, even if it means that you are the source of providing more of what you want?
How can you share your gifts even more and contribute what you most desire to the relationship without expectations and conditions?
Oooph. This is the work. These are the inquiries.
And when you fully claim your Leadership, you just might be surprised by how your partner rises into their own and what happens as a result.
Now, I’m curious to hear from you…
Have you been refusing the call of Leader of Love? How’s that been going for ya? Or have you accepted it and are you experiencing a whole new reality now? Tell me the dirty deets, plzzzz! 🥵
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