The Juxtaposition of Motherhood
As Aisy’s 1st birthday approaches, I find myself reflecting on so many things…
At this moment, I’m reflecting on so many nights filled with both silent and sounding cries.
Wondering when it will ever end.
Will life ever be the same?
Will I ever have time for myself?
Will I ever be more than just a couch cow?
That phase of motherhood has ended.
And I grieve the fact that I grieved it so much when it was happening.
But so much was happening.
I was in uncharted territories and murky and mysterious waters that I had no knowledge of navigating.
I have compassion for that past version of me. She was doing her best to stay afloat.
Still…I cannot deny the longing that things were different at that time.
That I could’ve soaked in the newborn snuggles as everyone had suggested.
That I could’ve trusted that it was just a phase and it would pass.
That I could’ve had more support and others holding me when I was holding so much.
And yet…there’s no going back to change the past.
All I can do is move forward.
And I have.
Sometimes it’s been kicking and screaming. Feeling like things aren’t fair and are so far from the life I’ve envisioned.
And sometimes it’s been tears streaming, bowed over in the deepest gratitude, realizing just how fortunate I am and how life is even more magical than I could’ve ever imagined.
I’m finding motherhood is weird like that.
So many juxtapositions.
But it’s in the contrast of two seemingly different things that truths are illuminated.
Life is not the same.
I don’t think it will ever be.
And even though it’s hard as fuck,
I wouldn’t trade the sleepless nights, the existential angst, and the hard conversations for anything in the world.
Because I have you.
And I now have time for myself, which is great. But I’m finding even when I’m alone, I’m missing you.
I’m no longer a couch cow, which honestly, I’m okay with, for the most part. But I do find myself wishing there were more cuddles and quiet moments together.
While I might not be your sole source of food, I know that I am your main source of soul nourishment, your place of safety, and your haven.
And that is such an honor and gift I will never take for granted.
I will always be that for you. No matter how young or old you are.
The things I’m wondering about now are:
How can I make your life filled with as much love, magic, and joy as possible?
What do I do in the time that’s for me? What is my purpose now? What’s the best way to spend time so I’m pouring into me but also pouring into you and able to be present for all of life’s big and small moments?
Who am I beyond just a mom? Who am I as your mom? Will I be enough?
What I do know:
Being your mom is the greatest blessing.
I will love you and be here for you forever, no matter what. In this lifetime and the next and beyond, into infinity.
If you ever wonder if you are enough, I will remind you that you always have been and always will be more than enough.
And I promise to remind myself the same—even and especially when I’m questioning it most—if only to be the best mom I can be for you.
You have captured it well. This is the power and magic of motherhood. It is a birthing within a birthing.